On Monday the world was left stunned, silent and shocked at the passing of an icon. For over 40 years Robin Williams has transformed our lives and made the world a funnier and more delightful place to live in. It saddened me greatly to hear that this great man had passed away on Monday. Earlier in the week my friend Sean wrote a touching piece about why Mr Williams is a hero and I felt compelled to write my own feelings about this great man.
Robin Williams was a very rare type of human being and he really was and is one in a million. Only he could have you laughing like a fool one minute; then crying like a baby another and deep in thought over a profound quote. He had a unique outlook on life and he very selflessly shared this gift with the whole world and no matter how down or sad you were feeling he would be able to make you giddy with laughter before he had finished his first sentence.
I was obliviously sad when I heard he has passed away but it wasn’t until the end of the week after watching some of his films and thinking about him that I became even more morose. When speaking to family and colleagues they seemed shocked by the news and sad but nothing more; when I spoke to my close friends they all seemed distraught. It was at this point I realised that it is my generation that has grown up with his films and we are the ones who’s childhoods were shaped and enlightened by this brilliant man. While everyone will miss him I feel that the guys and gals of my generation will miss him that little bit more.
When I think back to my childhood I remember vividly watching Aladdin and Hook on VHS, and the tapes are pretty worn out now. I could go on and write about how he reminded me of a crazy old uncle; or how he was a fantastic serious actor; or how generous and selfless he was but at the end of the day he was more than all of that he was an inspiration to us all. He bought us all happiness and if we could just take one page from his book the world would be a better place to live in.
Goodbye you fantastic man you, I will certainly miss you but your films will still bring me joy as the years go by. Oh and one more thing ‘BANGARANG’!!!!!!
Well Its been almost a week since my last post and quite a bit has happened. Last week and this week has been really good and I’ve finally got back to being my proper self again and not worrying about everything.
Last week I wanted to begin the week in a positive frame of mind and not feel angry, pissed off or annoyed with everything that has happened. I didn’t want to dwell on things and wanted to just get on with life. I left it a few days and Emily contacted me and we spoke a bit about things then got back to speaking normally. I still don’t condone what she did but at the end of the day we get on really well and there’s no reason why I can’t we civil and friendly with her. It may have also been the fact that I wanted to move on from everything that has happened and think positively that also led me to be nice and friendly to her but hey ho.
Again I didn’t contact her unless she contacted me but in the end after texting her a bit she came over on Saturday night after work because she wanted to talk to me. She basically said sorry for everything and accepted full responsibility for everything (like she should do) and expressed her feelings towards everything. She’s usually quite a closed book and doesn’t always tell me how shes feeling so for her to do that showed me that she’s perhaps woken up and smelt the coffee and actually realised that she needs to grow up. She did admit she would like to make things work again with us and to be completely honest I did to, but I did of course say that I still do not condone what she did.
I said we need to take things slowly and both work out if this is what we want as I don’t really want to just jump back into this even if I do still have feelings for her. I want to give it more time and see if the feelings fade and if I can forgive her and trust her again. The only way I can do that is by taking my time and possibly going on a few dates to see if I then do still feel the same way about her. Even in this short time she does seem to have grown up which infidelity aside was my other major gripe. I know she has wronged me and I’m not soon going to forget that but girls do have a funny way of working their way under your skin, but I think I am doing the right thing by taking my time. If I decide to take her back I would want her to commit for a while and be serious about making things work but I want to keep it fun. Quite honestly if we did get back together I imagine there are some friends of mine who would remain sceptical and have no trust in her and I say to them fair enough their entitled to their own opinions but at the end of the day every situation is different and we’re all allowed to pursue happiness, and if Emily is the thing that makes me happy then I should pursue that.
Right now I’m going to take time and work out how I really feel over a longer period and see how I really feel about her and then I can make an informed and proper decision.
Well today has been ok. I spent the day in London at Sega’s London office and got to meet sonic and learn a bit more about the company which was pretty good. But most of the day I still spent thinking about Emily and I do feel a little sad right now and I’m not sure why. Last night she did text me after dropping my stuff off. She said she found it hurtful how I compared her mistake to her fathers and I did hold my hands up and say sorry as she did hurt me but he was a massive dick who destroyed lives and she’s not like that. I’m not saying what she did was good but she’s not like him at all.
I did text her back saying sorry and that what she did was still hurtful. I did ask if things changed and we both got to a point where I had forgiven her and she was in a better place and remorseful and willing to give things a fresh start would she? she said she didn’t want to say for certain as she still felt hurt by what I said (even though its not as bad as what she did to me) but she did apologise again and said all she wanted was for me to hold her like I used to. I Said that I would like to hold her again but I said the best time was to take time and space and think of the good times. I was feel a little bit crap till she text me a couple of minutes ago commenting on a photo I put on Facebook in a jokey way.
I guess I still have feelings for her or have been so used to talking to her that I feel crap when I don’t speak to her or when I’m purposely avoiding talking to her. Right now I feel as if I’m getting over it and feeling better. I’m not so bothered about the breakup now and am still a little disappointed about her cheating but now I feel its so far in the past that I kind of don’t really care now. Since last Wednesday and finding out my feelings have gone through all sorts of somersaults. Right now I am over anger and am now moving on to accepting it. I still think I have feelings for her which is maybe what is stopping me from getting her completely out of my head but maybe thats how I really feel. Quite honestly by next week I want to be ready to move on and much happier for it. Before that I do want to have one final talk with her when I tell her that I’m in a better place now and feel good. I would also like to keep her in my life so it would also help if we didn’t finish on bitter terms but I’ll see how it goes.
Maybe we could give things another try and wipe the slate clean and start again but I’m not getting my hopes high. I feel deep down that I want to be with her and I do feel as if she won’t do this again but maybe I need to be stronger and not be a push over. But I do still have feelings for her. What I’m going to do is continue this week as I normally do getting on with work and keeping busy with one or two things and see how I feel by the end of the week. She also got me a present to go and see the Kings of Leon this Sunday ages ago and I’m not sure weather to ask her or someone else but I think I’ll see how I feel on Friday. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself or get my hopes too high as I’ll only be hurting myself. Hopefully by next Sunday or I’ll know where ‘we’ stand or where ‘I’ stand and then from there I can move on and start a fresh. I just have to be very careful I don’t put myself in a position to get hurt again.
Well I haven’t updated my blog/diary for a while now but shit has happened. Well on Wednesday we met and had a coffee together. It was rather nice and went well. We talked a lot about ‘us’ and how we feel about each other. She was saying that she still likes me and thinks she may have made a mistake in breaking up with me but was unsure. She said if she came to the decision to get back together with me she would feel selfish in asking me to get back with her as shes messed me around and it was her decision to breakup in the first place. We then went and sat in her car and talked for another hour or two and we were saying that if we were meant to breakup why do we still get on so well and why do we still have feelings for one another etc.
Anyway she said she had to tell me something and she proceeded to tell me that she had cheated on me with the guy who lives next door 3 1/2 months ago. She had lost her virginity to him a few months before we met and got together. At the time I was fairly understanding and I don’t think it had quite sunk in. Anyway after getting home I got really angry and pissed off with her and started texting her asking why and that I felt really betrayed. She decided to come over and talk to me. She explained it all and said it wasn’t planned and just happened. They exchanged a few texts and she went over there and did the deed. She said she felt instant regret and felt a whirlwind of guilt, and so she fucking should! She said she did it because she felt he had some sort of hold over her after doing it the first time. She said they hadn’t spoken in over a year and when they did she just felt she had to do it for attention. This to me is a bullshit excuse and to me under no circumstance is cheating acceptable.
That evening we talked for ages and I’m not sure how it happened but we ended up having sex. We cuddled afterwards for a couple of hours and then she left. The next day I just felt more confused and I can’t remember the details of the next few days but basically there were some angry texts exchanged mainly saying how betrayed I feel etc. She also got angry one evening but I ignored her and managed to keep myself busy. She then text me saying sorry and then got drunk on Saturday night and basically told me that cheating on me was the biggest mistake of her life and she still loved me. We then text on sunday some essay texts. I talked about betrayal and loss of trust and that we had something great till she fucked it up etc. She text back why she did it and it was only sex and she thinks very lowly of herself. She says that we still could have had something great and that I have blown this out of proportion. She also dropped by about 20 minutes ago to drop off all my stuff and we were amicable and conducted in small talk. In the box were a few of my things along with an origami flower I made, a present I gave her, a small wallet photo of us two and a page out of her diary saying ‘one year anniversary’. Reading that almost brought tears to my eyes but I snapped out of it.
So this whole ordeal has now turned into a complete cluster fuck. Before she told me this we were practically ready to get back together but not any more. I know I sent her some angry texts but I think she needed to hear it. What she has done is not acceptable in the slightest and it shows a complete lack of respect she has also betrayed me, lost all of my trust and acted very selfishly and immature. She has to realise that her actions have consequences. I am a broken man at the moment and the problem is I still have feelings for this girl but I know now she doesn’t deserve them. I think I may have been punching above my weight with her as she was gorgeous but I still can’t get past the fact she cheated.
I have to make her see that this is the wrong behaviour and if the only way of doing that is by not talking to her and not getting back together with her then I have to do it. If I get back together with her its almost like I’m condoning her actions which I do not. I do love her and have great memories with but right now I have lost all trust in her. She also didn’t tell me about it and I don’t know why maybe because she wanted the relationship to continue, maybe because she didn’t have the balls to do it or maybe because she’s emotionally immature she didn’t know what to do. Also when I think of it we started having problems about this time too and they seemed to come from no where. I assumed it was to do with uni and her dog not being very well but I’m certain its all come from this and her guilt. Also what pisses me off is that I thought that I had done something wrong and she made me feel as if I had when it was fucking her!
She does seem to have a lot of personal issues and not a lot of friends to confide in about it all. She thinks very little of herself and has self esteem issues but puts up this fun flirty front to everybody else. I just don’t know how I feel right now, a part of me says give her a second chance she’s learnt her lesson and what you had was great and it can be great again. The other part of me says fuck her she cheated on you and betrayed your trust and it wouldn’t work anyway as she’s off to uni soon. I’m just split down the middle. Although I know I’m not a bad guy I did everything right and gave her everything and she threw it back in my fucking face. Bitch!
Its almost certain that we’ll talk in the future and maybe even be friends and at the very root of it we get on famously. But she fucking cheated on me and can I ever forget that? I don’t know. Maybe one day I can forgive her but do not mistake that for condoning it. Right now I’m not sure what to think but I do know I’m still disappointed she cheated on me. To be honest I think she really needs to grow up and get her life in order. I’m sure one day she will look back and realise that she really did fuck this relationship up and I hope that she has learnt something. It’ll be interesting to see what happens in the near future and its almost exciting but all I know for now is I have to look after number 1.
Well unfortunately last night I didn’t have time to update my blog so I thought I would do it tonight instead. Since my last entry there have been quite a few interesting developments. After Emily called me on Sunday night she actually came over at about 11 and stayed till 1ish. She was nice enough to bring me half a tub of Ben a Jerry’s which I promptly finished. During the time she was over she was telling me how she felt, saying things like this week of no contact has been hard, and she regrets the way she treated me and wish she could change that and also she wasn’t sure if she had made the right decision in terms of breaking up. We also talked about how each other was doing and what we had been up to.
Honestly it was really nice seeing her and talking to her even if only for a short amount of time. It did however bring some feelings back and I did feel as if some of the hard work I had put in was starting to be un-done. We also made plans for Wednesday to go for a coffee after work and talk about things. She said she wanted to do it but was unsure whether it would make things harder or not.
I decided to accelerate my plans and give her the letter yesterday instead of Friday. I thought if I did that it would give her time to think about things and on Wednesday we could talk about anything she’s thought of. The letter was 5 pages of A5 in the end and once I started writing I couldn’t stop. It basically said that I was finding it difficult to deal with the breakup but right now I had overcome the first weeks emotions and I felt a lot more balanced. I also said that I know she was struggling with her emotions and that I knew that she didn’t know what she wanted and that she should sit down and ask herself some questions and really workout what she wanted. I did say that I would be willing to get back together if some things changed and she proved to me that she was serious about making it work. If she wasn’t then there is no point in getting back together. I did say that I’m not going to just run back into her arms. Whether we decide to work things out or just be friends I said we need to take it slowly and adjust to the situation.
I also dropped of some flowers with the car which she loved. I regard finding her flowers that she likes as a victory as she doesn’t really like flowers. I also got to see her mum and we made small talk for a little bit. Her mum really likes me and I think she sees that I am a genuinely nice guy and am a good boyfriend. I know that her mum had a go at her for breaking up with me and even had a little cry :(. Anyway after I gave her the letter we went down to the park and sat on then swings for a bit and just chilled and chatted then I went home.
Earlier today I almost text her but I resisted and not much longer after that she text me. She said that she loved the flowers and thanked me for the letter after reading it she said it clarified my feelings and she knew clearly where I stood with everything. She did say that one or two things were a bit cutting but she said at least I was being honest. After texting her a bit she did say she didn’t understand why I was still talking to her andnstill wanted to be with her. I pretty much said well there are a few conditions and I see something in her that she doesn’t see herself; and that shes a good person but doesn’t always see it.
She says she needs a bit more time to think about her feelings and she said she was scared that I don’t want to wait any longer. And that she wouldn’t blame me if I was sick of her messing me around. I said we’ll talk about it tomorrow.
So a lot has happened. I did feel a little bit down today but after writing this and thinking about things I don’t feel so bad. I think Emily is confused at the moment and could do with a close friend her own age to speak to about it all too. I don’t want to go out with her for the sake of it and I don’t want to make her unhappy. I’m not entirely sure whats best right now. I would like to go out with her but maybe she needs to mature a little more before we should get back together but I don’t know where or who we’ll be with when that happens. Maybe it is best to stay friends and move onto someone new. I just don’t know right now, all I know is my emotions are standing the test and staying strong despite one or two uneven bits. Let just start by seeing how tomorrow night goes.